Literally The Greatest Story of All Time
It all started when our predictably heroic hero, kat, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling barely worried, kat slapped a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, she realized that her beloved speaker was missing! Immediately she called her so-called friend, madness. kat had known madness for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were exotic ones. madness was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. kat called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. madness picked up to a very unhappy kat. madness calmly assured her that most albino cats shudder before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually flamboyantly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting kat. Why was madness trying to distract kat? Because she had snuck out from kat's with the speaker only five days prior. It was a enticing little speaker... how could she resist? It didn't take long before kat got back to the subject at hand: her speaker. madness shuddered. Relunctantly, madness invited her over, assuring her they'd find the speaker. kat grabbed her time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, madness realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the speaker and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if kat took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, she had take at least seven minutes before kat would get there. But if she took the DisoMobile? Then madness would be really screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, madness was interrupted by four stupid wolfs that were lured by her speaker. madness shuddered; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling relieved, she fearlessly reached for her dull pencil and aggressively slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the DisoMobile rolling up. It was kat. As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so she knew she was running late. With a hasty leap, kat was out of the DisoMobile and went sassily jaunting toward madness's front door. Meanwhile inside, madness was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the speaker into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind her elephant. madness was concerned but at least the speaker was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' madness earnestly purred. With a mighty push, kat opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive self-righteous ass in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' she lied. 'It's fine,' madness assured her. kat took a seat conveniently far from where madness had hidden the speaker. madness turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But kat was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, madness noticed a annoying look on kat's face. kat slowly opened her mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' madness felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when kat asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the speaker right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on kat's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. kat nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before madness could react, kat aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The speaker was plainly in view. kat stared at madness for what what must've been eleven minutes. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, madness groped charismatically in kat's direction, clearly desperate. kat grabbed the speaker and bolted for the door. It was locked. madness let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, kat,' she rebuked. madness always had been a little annoying, so kat knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before madness did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Just as zero people expected she gripped her speaker tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. madness looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from kat. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for kat. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. madness walked over to the window and looked down. kat was gone. Just yonder, kat was struggling to make her way through the disease-infested jungle behind madness's place. kat had severely hurt her taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral wolfs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the speaker. One by one they latched on to kat. Already weakened from her injury, kat yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of wolfs running off with her speaker. But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored kat's speaker. Feeling concerned, God smote the wolfs for their injustice. Then He got in His nappy, busted-out hatchback and darted away with the fortitude of 200,000 long-haired sea monkeys running from a misshapen pack of man-eating capybaras. kat flipped with joy when she saw this. Her speaker was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes her favorite TV show, The Big Bang Theory, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet ebola'). kat was elated. And so, everyone except madness and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.